My Empire of Dirt.: Archive

I'm a big pussy when it comes to period blood.

Today I saw what looked like a 10 pound pad in the bathroom at work. It had been decorated with gallons of lovely female vaginal discharge. I ran out of there yelling “kaghk,djb jfkbksdgcsjkbfdj,gvf,zkvabjhefm ” while jerking my body in weird ways. I couldn’t control it. It made my stomach hurt for the rest of the day. I just can’t handle that shit.

Feb 1st

1 tag

Things I do not know how to respond to:

“Your cum makes my mouth numb.”

Feb 1st

I love old ladies with dirty mouths

Today this sweet old lady brought in her bird for a check up. She and her friend pulled up in the crown victoria town car. They were fucking adorable. I began having a conversation with the bird owner, expecting her to tell me all about her kids, nieces and nephews. Instead, she began telling me how she had to remove the little mirror toys she had bought for her bird from his cage because she...

Feb 1st

Anonymous asked: Black Swan was amazing, you're just picky.

Jan 31st

On Black Swan

I didn’t like it. At all. The story line was complete shit. I don’t understand why people are losing their shit over it. Having said that, I have added “Threesome with Natalie Portman & Mila Kunis” to my bucket list. Jesus fucking christ. Fuck me.

Jan 31st

Last Night

My cousin showed up with a bunch of special brownies. Thinking she was full of shit and a liar, I began eating delicious brownies. One after the other. Don’t know exactly how many I had. About 10 minutes after I finished most of the batch, I went home. I was exhausted so I went to bed as soon as I arrived. At around 4 am, I woke up extremely high. I had no idea what the fuck was going on...

Jan 31st

1 tag

Jan 31st

2 notes

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Jan 31st

9 notes

rip-paigesblog asked: Is your asshole straight?

Jan 31st

2 notes

Jan 31st

6 notes

Black Swan Sucked.

Jan 31st

1 tag

shipssafeinharbour: Here’s Lookin at you, Kid -...

Jan 30th

149 notes

My friend called me today while I was at work and...

That said “Hey man. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for two days. I really need to talk to you about some stuff.” in a very serious voice. My mind quickly created about 10 worst case scenarios. I called him back and he didn’t answer. Two fucking hours later he calls back and tells me that it is extremely important that I go over his house tonight to see some videos of...

Jan 29th

1 tag

Jan 29th

12 notes

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Jan 29th

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Jan 29th

rip-paigesblog asked: Um. I now feel the need to tell you I had a dream with you in it. Which is pretty weird but I'm going to tell you about it anyway. In this dream I was supposed to be taking a college level Spanish course and you were in the class. There was talk of "licking my fruit basket" and then I think you were taking me to a concert afterwards. But then it turned out to be a horse show and...

Jan 28th

4 notes

6 tags